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Thread: NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (MAD Magazine, 1981)

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    Default NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (MAD Magazine, 1981)

    NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS


    'Twas the night before Christmas, and one thing was clear-
    That old yuletide spirit no longer was here;
    Inflation was rising; the crime rate was trippling;
    The fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

    I opened a beer as I watched the TV,
    Where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
    The kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
    Or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

    While ma with her ball-point pen was making a fuss
    'Bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
    "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
    "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

    When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
    'Twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered,"Who's there?"
    I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
    And, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

    Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
    Was caught in our eight-foot electrified fence;
    He called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
    Said I, "If you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"

    But, lo, as his presence grew clearer to me,
    I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
    I called off our doberman clawing at his sleigh
    And, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's okay."

    I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
    And he poured out the following tale of despair;
    "On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
    But now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."

    "You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
    And without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
    Although I would like to continue to use them,
    The wild life officials believe I abuse them."

    "To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
    And told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
    I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
    And bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."

    "Last April my workers came forth with demands,
    And I soon had a general strike on my hands;
    I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
    So the missus and I did the work by ourselves."


    "And then, later on, came additional trouble-
    An avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
    My Allstate insurance was worthless, because
    They had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause"

    "And after that came an I.R.S audit;
    The government claimed I was out to defraud it;
    They finally nailed me for 65 grand,
    Which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."

    "And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
    Flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
    Not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
    Taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."

    "My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
    I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
    And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
    It's from flying too close to a nuclear site."

    He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
    And I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
    "I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
    But I fear that today I've become obsolete."

    He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
    And these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
    "No longer can I do the job that's required;
    If anyone asks, just say,'Santa's retired!'"


    Rewritten without permission of course.


    LM
    Play Forgotten Hope

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y30VDny56Vw
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compari...rican_football
    Quote Originally Posted by NinjaWookie151 View Post
    I get bored, like really bored. So I like to make siege weapons.

  2. #2
    Regular ANGRYAFRICANMAN's Avatar
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    I wonder what LM was smoking last night to pull that one out of his hat?
    While conservatives and progressives disagree about pretty much everything, there is one common denominator: everyone who is alive this very moment will one day no longer walk this earth.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by ANGRYAFRICANMAN View Post
    I wonder what LM was smoking last night to pull that one out of his hat?


    Actually, I get this running thought my head every X-mas since I read the original
    in Mad Mag around, well, 1981.

    for the record, I don't smoke that f*cking hippie lettuce (anymore, not for years), and I don't believe it
    should ever be legalized.



    LM
    Play Forgotten Hope

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y30VDny56Vw
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compari...rican_football
    Quote Originally Posted by NinjaWookie151 View Post
    I get bored, like really bored. So I like to make siege weapons.

  4. #4
    Regular LilPuppy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LEAD MAGNET View Post

    for the record, I don't smoke that f*cking hippie lettuce (anymore, not for years), and I don't believe it
    should ever be legalized.



    LM
    Reformed smokers , drinkers , pot smokers are quite rightesous...legalized no...de-criminalized yes
    "science flies man to the moon....religion flies man into buildings"

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by LilPuppy View Post
    de-criminalized yes
    Nail on the head!

    LM
    Play Forgotten Hope

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y30VDny56Vw
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compari...rican_football
    Quote Originally Posted by NinjaWookie151 View Post
    I get bored, like really bored. So I like to make siege weapons.

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